When the Plan Changes and Peace Feels Out of Reach

I thought I’d homeschool. 

I wanted to homeschool. 

But that’s not our story.

And what’s wild is—peace has been harder to find now that I’m living the plan I never imagined.

Since my son started school, I’ve been holding this strange mix of deep, gut-wrenching guilt... and quiet, surprising gratitude.

I had a vision in my head: homeschool rhythms, family closeness, long mornings at home. I felt called to that vision. I was excited for it.

But I also felt called to honor my husband as the leader of our home. And right now, that meant choosing something different.

I told myself I’d trust the process. 

I told myself I’d trust my husband. 

And I’m trying. I really am.

But if I’m honest, there’s still this ache. This pit in my stomach that whispers, “You’re failing.”

Even though I know I’m not.

I think what I’m really wrestling with is the gap between expectation and reality. I built something beautiful in my head—and when real life didn’t mirror that, my heart struggled to catch up.

I haven’t even had the words to tell my husband all of this yet. And maybe that’s something I need to say out loud here too—for the mama reading who hasn’t figured out how to start the conversation either:

It’s okay to not have the perfect script. It’s okay to not know how to explain the lump in your throat or the twist in your stomach. Sometimes the Holy Spirit speaks first through the silence.

Today, I loaded up the stroller and walked the track before pickup.

The same track my son’s uncles ran as kids. 

The same field my husband and our brothers played on. 

And soon, our son will run it too.

It wasn’t a flood of old memories. It was a flood of new ones, still to come. A holy glimmer of peace in the middle of my doubt.

I watched the sun hit the bleachers. I breathed. And for the first time in a while... I believed we’re on the right path.

I still have my worries. 

I still have my grief. 

But I’m finding God in the glimmers:

• In the teachers who knew my husband as a child and now cheer on my kids

• In the peace that meets me in the mundane

• In the strength it takes to choose family unity over fear

This version of life might not be the one I dreamed of. But maybe it’s the one that will stretch me, grow me, soften me, sanctify me. And maybe it’s the one that will shape our children in ways I never could’ve planned.

There are still those homeschool hope thoughts that whisper: "Who knows? Maybe someday we’ll change our minds. Maybe the kids will ask to be homeschooled."

And while I want to give those thoughts space... I also know they might be robbing me of the joy and hope that this decision and this season holds.

To the mama reading this:

You are not a failure for choosing a different path. You are not disqualified from being the biggest voice in your child’s life just because the script changed.

You can honor your husband and your heart. You can grieve the plan that didn’t happen and still trust the plan that’s unfolding.

And you are not alone.

What’s one glimmer you’ve seen lately, even if you’re in a season that feels heavy or uncertain?

I’d love to hear about it in the comments or over on IG stories. Let’s name the peace as it comes.

Until next time,

may your home be whole,

your heart be light,

and your faith be fierce.

With love,

Makaila

A glimpse into my glimmers: