I Miss Me. Where Did I Go?

Somewhere between pregnancy, postpartum, snack-fetching, and being everyone’s default emotional support human… I misplaced myself.

Not in a dramatic Eat Pray Love kind of way. More like... I can’t even remember what kind of music I like without checking my toddler’s playlist.

Surely, I am not the only one who has heard “you have to do something for yourself, fill your own cup up or how can you pour into your family” and then just sitting there with the look of pure confusion because like how do I do that again? No seriously I don’t remember how to do that and not constantly be thinking of my family, what they are doing, what they need, appointments I need to schedule, etc., etc. 

One of the biggest things all moms fall for is, “You’ll never be the same after kids.”

Sure. Some of that’s true. My body changed. My brain changed. My beliefs changed.  But the part of that lie that really hurt was this: That I should just accept the loss of myself. That motherhood = martyrdom. That wanting more than survival was selfish.

One day, I snapped at someone I love, again. Then cried in the laundry room, again. Clearly my washer is my emotional support “animal”. 

And I thought: This can’t be it. There’s a me under here, and I miss her. I want to remember what she laughs at. What lights her up. What makes her feel pretty, powerful, present.

Know what I realized though? I lost her even before motherhood and marriage. I listened to a podcast episode, I don’t remember which one and I don’t remember who the speaker was but the guest speaker said “I realized I didn’t have a favorite food, or favorite color, or favorite style of clothing. I just took on whatever whoever needed me to be.” That slapped me right across the face because that was exactly what I had done. Motherhood didn’t make me lose myself it was calling me back to her and the time I had lost her so I could ensure my kids didn’t lose who God created them to be and they always knew their favorite color. 

And gosh did I fall into every 30 day challenge or “getting back to you after baby”. To the point I was even more confused, even more lost, and my anxiety would spike because I was trying to hit all these things to magically be radiating who I wanted to be. 

But rediscovering yourself, or in my case discovering yourself, isn’t a 30-day challenge. It’s not about “bouncing back” or finally getting a skincare routine.

It’s a coming home to the girl God made before the world told her to tone it down. Before she started shrinking herself to fit what was needed.

And I’m finding her again:

• In the songs I turn up too loud

• In the outfit I used to think was “too much”

• In the questions I’m finally asking myself

• In the voice I’m no longer afraid to use

He didn’t call me into motherhood to erase me. He called me deeper into who I am.

Because becoming a mother didn’t cancel out my design. It revealed what was always inside me. Even when I forgot… He didn’t.

If you’re looking in the mirror wondering where she went, she’s still in there.

Start with one brave step toward her. Not to get her “back,” but to finally meet the version of her that was forged in the fire.

Here are two journal prompts to get you started on your journey!

1) When do I feel most like myself? (think about what time of day, time of month, what are you doing, who are you with)

2) What am I craving more of in my daily life? (think feelings, aesthetic, tone)

If you aren't sure where to go after these, I am happy to help you implement and continue to move forward in your journey just send me a message here or on social media and I will lend you a hand!